Askem Nicely Virtual Library

A Lady of Letters

Lower Twatting
Askem Nicely
Lancashire
BY3 3CK

2nd March 1999

Dear Ski-Pant Lady,

I am intrigued to know whether your ski-pants are the prototype being developed by ICI Research and Development Unit.

I recently saw an advertisement in the New Scientist for "guinea pigs" to test a revolutionary new ski-pant they are developing for the Austrian downhill ski team.

This new fabric is at the cutting edge of aerodynamics, and this I can believe, as I have watched you slalom effortlessly through the crowds of shoppers in the town centre, without knocking anyone over.

I would be grateful for a reply.

Yours admiringly,

Your Number One Fan

P.S. Do they come with attachable shoes?

Lower Twatting
Askem Nicely
Lancashire
BY3 3CK

15th March 1999

Dear Ski-Pant Lady,

Thank you for your speedy reply to my last letter.

You mentioned your passion for fondue, and what a coincidence, it is also a favourite of mine.

I've often wondered when seeing you walking through the town centre, whether it was last night's fondue down the front of your ski-pants, and just what type of cheese you use.

Personally for me it's got to be Red Lancashire, I'd advise you to try it because it's not runny, and it'll keep those ski-pants free of stains.

Again

Yours affectionately,

Your Number One Fan

P.S. Were any of your ancestors creators of Punch and Judy?

Lower Twatting
Askem Nicely
Lancashire
BY3 3CK

23rd March 1999

Dear Ski-Pant Lady,

I would very much appreciate your advice regarding a very delicate subject.

I have a very close friend who is adamant that she hates the ski-pant. However, yesterday, I saw her rummaging through a large box of elastic bands, she then furtively slipped two thick bands into her pocket.

At first I thought she must have a rubber fetish, but no, later that day, thinking she was all alone, she then proceeded to sew them to the end of her trouser legs, slipping her feet through them, and admiring herself through a full length mirror.

I feel she is in complete denial and I am worried that it could be detrimental to her overall health.

Would you suggest broaching the subject with her, or let her continue with her delusions?

I await your advice.

Yours anxiously,

Your Number One Fan

Lower Twatting
Askem Nicely
Lancashire
BY3 3CK

5th April 1999

Dear Ski-Pant Lady,

I am sorry that I have not corresponded with you recently, but I have not been very well.

I don't want to bore you with the details, but there again you are the only person I feel will understand my state of mind at present.

As I am a "Lancashire Lass", I enthusiastically support the Lancashire cottage industries. Last week I was in the delightful village of Ostwaldtwistle, whereupon I came across "Evelyn's House of Fashion", and indeed it was in Evelyn's house. Her wares were displayed on the mantelpiece and across her horsehair sofa. From the corner of my eye I spotted a khaki green pair of ski-pants at the bargain price of £3.

Anyway, last week I wore them for most of the day under my feet, as they wouldn't stretch to my shoes, only that by the evening the manmade fibres had adhered themselves to my feet, hence, I was hospitalised suffering from third degree burns - they're healing quite nicely now.

To my horror I have just been informed by Dr. Clegg that ski-pants are out of the question, I would have rather him told me my legs needed amputating!

I've been offered counselling, but, on a more personal note, can you offer any words of comfort.

Yours despairingly,

Your Number One Fan

Lower Twatting
Askem Nicely
Lancashire
BY3 3CK

15th April 1999

Dear Ski-Pant Lady,

Thank you for your kind words and sound advice regarding my current predicament. As you quite rightly say, "Consultant Dermatologists don't know everything about skin," so I am going to wear them again.

Yesterday I went to another delightful village, Armathwaite, and visited "Arthur's Fine Fabric and Tripe Emporium". His range of fabric is very extensive, and he's such a nice man.

I bought myself a "McCall's Ski-Pants for the Fuller Figure" pattern from Arthur, and I'm going to attempt to make myself a pair. I've chosen a very delicate Prince of Wales check, in grey, (quite daring don't you think!).

The fabric was expensive, but I think it will be worth it, I bought 3 yards, so Arthur threw in a pound of tripe - my mouth's watering at the thought of it, I've got it soaking in vinegar at the moment.

Arthur was telling me that his wife is also an ardent ski-pant lover, and has suffered like me, but she was back in ski-pants in no time, this cheered me up no end. I will keep you informed of my progress.

Yours in anticipation,

Your Number One Fan

Lower Twatting
Askem Nicely
Lancashire
BY3 3CK

6th June 1999

Dear Ski-Pant Lady,

I thought I'd just drop you a line to ask you whether you'll be attending the '99 Ski-Pant Convention at the G-Mex centre.

If you are, maybe we could meet up for a pot of tea and a Mr. Kipling fondant ice. I'll be going with my best friend Ivy and although we've never met, you'll be able to spot us due to Ivy's unorthodox mode of ski-pants, let me explain:

Ivy's been carrying a prolapse for the past five years - she's on the waiting list for the operation. All her ski-pants are bespoke (made to measure) and there's a pouch attached between the crotch area to accommodate her prolapse. It does draw a lot of attention, especially because she favours the pouch being decorated with rhine stones.

Personally, I think she'll never have the operation, because she enjoys all the attention, and I've never heard of anyone being on a waiting list for five years especially when she's going private!

Yours longingly,

Your Number One Fan

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